Being An Ethical Slut – 25 Years After The Release Of “The Ethical Slut”

The word ‘slut’ has had negative connotations for as long as I can remember. It is a sexist word, used to demean women for enjoying sex and not staying “pure.” However, nowadays, we are claiming it back and erasing the stigma surrounding it.

Yes, we are a sluts, and we fucking love sex!

However, as we dig deeper, we discover that there can be ethical and unethical ways of being a slut.

As I’m writing this, I can already hear a crowd of people shouting at me that being slutty is unethical in itself. But hear me out.

This is how ethical sluts stand out from all the other sluts, and how you can become one too.

1. Ethical sluts get tested regularly. How regularly? That depends on how frequently you get new partners, if you use protection, if your partners have other partners and so on. You get the gist. 
2. Ethical sluts value their relationship agreements. If your primary partner is not fine with you being fluid bonded with anyone else, you don’t do it. If your boyfriend agrees to threesomes, you don’t start fucking your unicorn behind his back. And so on.
3. Ethical sluts don’t blame their partners or their metas for making them feel jealous or insecure. To quote Dossie Easton from The Ethical Slut: “No one ‘makes’ you feel jealous or insecure, the person who makes you feel that way is you… when you blame someone else for how you feel, you disempower yourself.”
4. Ethical sluts embrace self-pleasure. Once again, The Ethical Slut has a great way of putting this: “Write this on your mirror: sexually successful people masturbate. You are not jerking or buzzing off because you are a loser, because you can’t find anyone to play with, or because you are desperate to get your rocks off. You’re making love to yourself because you deserve pleasure, and playing with yourself makes you feel good.”
5. Ethical sluts can be single, monogamous, in an open relationship or polyamorous. In modern culture people assume that all sluts are single women who are having casual one-night encounters. In reality, this couldn’t be further from the truth. First of all, any gender can identify as a slut. Second, one can be a slut in a happy monogamous relationship as much as in any other arrangement (or the lack of). To be a slut, you don’t necessarily need to be fucked by many people on a regular basis. You can get very slutty with yourself or with just one partner.
6. Ethical sluts don’t shy away from using condoms or dental dams when it’s needed. While some sluts are fluid bonded with their partner/partners, others use protection with some or all of their partners. If you think that using a condom or a dental dam is not sexy, remember that catching an STD is even less sexy.
7. Ethical sluts talk about their sexual history and health openly with their partners. A good partner will not shame you for having a lot of partners or having STDs now or in the past. Life happens. Getting an STD is not any more dirty than catching a cold. Don’t feel ashamed if it happens to you. It is truly more common than you think. According to the World Health Organization, each year there are an estimated 374 million new infections with one of the following STDs: chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis and trichomoniasis.
8. Ethical sluts remember aftercare. Sometimes sexual play can get a bit rough, especially when kinks are involved. In this case, it is super important to check in with your partner and make sure they are well afterwards. Hugs, cuddles, kisses and talking can go a long way.
9. Ethical sluts do not coerce their partners into doing anything they don’t want to do. It doesn’t matter how excited you are about a certain kink or fetish. Your partner doesn’t hold the obligation to fulfill all of your sexual desires if they don’t align with their values. So, unless you get an enthusiastic yes, it is a no. Moving on.
10.  Ethical sluts confidently communicate their needs and wants not only before sex, but also during it. If your partner is not hitting the right spot or is causing you discomfort, say it. If you want to try a different position, say it. Great sex doesn’t happen out of nowhere. It takes good communication, chemistry and time to get to know each other’s bodies.

While there are probably more things I could come up with, consider these your 10 commandments of being an ethical slut. Following them will greatly increase the happiness of yourself and your partner/partners.

And, if you haven’t read The Ethical Slut yet, I highly suggest that you do.

Contrary to what some of you might think, it is not a read exclusively for polyamorous people. In my opinion, everyone, regardless of their relationship status and dynamic, can learn something useful and feel more sexually confident in their lives. 

Main Image by Cottonbro Studio from Pexels.

—

Alison Sparks is a camgirl, solo adult content creator and writer. Find her on Twitter at @itsalisonsparks and email her via alison@ynotcam.com.