Recovering From Financial Trauma: Part 2

Last month, I responded to an email from a reader who had just started experiencing a small measure of financial security for the first time in several years thanks to camming. However, they were still anxious, struggling to believe that they were out of the woods. This is a story I know all too well myself from my younger years scratching out a living as a stripper and escort, and experience tells me that lingering financial fears are a common predicament for many sex workers.

Even if we are making enough money to pay our bills, our situation still feels precarious.

I wrote the book Thriving in Sex Work: Sex Work and Money to specifically address the unique problems sex workers face in managing money. After consulting with a broad range of financial experts, what I learned was the misstep many of us make when approaching our personal finances is not addressing the underlying emotions that money stirs up.

Notice I use the word “misstep,” rather than “mistake.” Because the emotional side of money—especially when we earn it from our sexuality—is rarely, if ever, addressed in our society.

Very few of us are ever taught to pay attention to how money makes us feel, despite the fact it’s one of the most emotionally explosive aspects of our lives!

Instead, we’re expected to treat money as if it’s nothing more than a math problem, one that can be solved with a calculator. If we’ve experienced financial trauma, however, money can stir up all kinds of negative emotional states, including helplessness, exhaustion, panic, confusion, spaciness, paralysis, boredom, anger, denial, and despair. This is why I believe that the single most important step to healing from financial trauma is addressing those feelings head-on.

Enoughness Exercise

The following is an exercise excerpted from Sex Work and Money, for contemplating “enoughness,” or having enough money. Enoughness is the opposite of a scarcity mindset, or the belief that we can never have what we need. Taking the time to feel in your body and imagine in your mind financial stability is an empowered mindset, rather than a place of fear and overwhelm, for performing necessary tasks such as creating budgets and earning plans, managing bills, and the rest.

Take your time, setting aside at least a half hour—a full hour is better. Clear off your desk or your dining room table – allow yourself to spread out and take up room to think this idea all the way through.

Take a few deep breaths. Close your eyes for a few minutes. Ask yourself:

What does enoughness mean to you?

Then grab a piece of paper and a pen and write out your answers to these questions:

• How would you define “enoughness?”
• Is enoughness something you’ve ever experienced? As a child? As an adult?
• Is enoughness a regular feeling in your life, or is it fleeting?
• How much money do you need to be happy? Do you have a target amount in mind?
• Do you have a plan to earn it? Is sex work a part of this plan, or a detour?
• Does your “enough” money all belong to you, or is it shared? Do you use it to support someone?

Now let’s contemplate the money you earn from sex work. Grab a new piece of paper to write out your thoughts while answering these questions:

• Do you feel fairly compensated for your typical shoot or shift or call?
• Do you have enough work to support you?
• Do you believe you will have enough work in the future?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, how does that make you feel?

• Do you sometimes think you shouldn’t get paid for what you do?
• Do you ever feel like you charge too much?
• Do you believe you could earn more if you were different in some way?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, how does that make you feel?

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My book Sex Work and Money builds on this exercise to alleviate scarcity thinking for sex workers. Additionally, here are some other terrific books out there I recommend for overcoming specific money problems:

• To Buy or Not To Buy: Why We Overshop and How To Stop by Dr. April Lane Benson: Addressing reckless shopping and overspending.
• Overcoming Underearning: A Five Step Plan to a Richer Life by Barbara Stanny: Learning how to ask for and earn what we deserve.
• Broke Millennial: Stop Scraping By and Get Your Financial Life Together by Erin Lowry: Creating a foundation for wealth early in life.
• Financial Recovery: Developing a Healthy Relationship With Money by Karen McCall: Digging out of debt and money mismanagement.
• The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist: Healing from generational and gender-based scarcity.

The goal of recovering from financial trauma is a worthy one. Next month, we’ll discuss more practical steps to managing personal finances without fear.

Until next time, be sweet to yourself.

-LolaD.

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Lola Davina is a longtime veteran of the sex industry and author of “Thriving in Sex Work: Sex Work and Money,” her follow-up to the formative “Thriving in Sex Work: Heartfelt Advice for Staying Sane in the Sex Industry,” is available wherever books are sold. You can find audio versions located at Audible, iTunes and Awesound. 

Contact Lola at Lola.Davina@ynotcam.com and visit her on Twitter at @Lola_Davina.