Not a day goes by that I don’t find myself rubbing my tummy and whining in agony over how bloated I feel. Not only does bloat feel bad, but it also makes me crankier and less in the mood to be social, bubbly or “on.” This is not ideal when your work and big life goals require all three.
Bloat is not an ideal feeling in front of a camera or crowd (obvs). Plus, it doesn’t help that the dreaded bloat can also leave us looking a lot less attractive. But today is the day to take the bull by the horns. I’m finally putting an end to my bloatedness by doing something I foolishly never thought to do before: find out what the hell bloating is and how to prevent it.
Bloat 101: what and why
What is bloating and why do we end up feeling bloated after certain meals? Basically, bloat is the swelling of the abdomen. This swelling causes discomfort, usually in the form of stomach pain and gas. (Also not fun or sexy, except actually in some NSFW fart fetish porn, which… awesome!)
Bloating is usually harmless and goes away after a few hours — but again, it’s annoying and doesn’t look so appealing. So, how do we prevent it?
According to WebMD, overeating is probably the most common cause of bloating. Now, having a supe- full stomach is not technically the same as bloating. Having a stomach super-full of certain foods, however, can cause gas to build up in your abdomen, which is bloating.
A no-brainer avoid-the-bloat solution is simply to eat less — and also eat less rich and/or fatty food. Because fat is a more complicated molecule, it takes longer to digest than protein or carbohydrates. It also keeps the stomach full longer and produces more digestive by-products, both of which sustain bloat. This makes a lot of sense when considering holiday or special-occasion dining indulgences (don’t pretend — I’m not the only one who does this), but you also can avoid bloating by limiting fats in your everyday diet.
Eating too fast can cause bloat, too. The remedy for this is simple: eat more slowly. Satiety signals that let you know you’re full can take up to 20 minutes to reach the brain. This means there’s a possible up-to-20-minute chunk of time wherein you’re eating basically for recreational purposes. Fun, but not necessarily wise.
Other causes of bloat include alcohol consumption and ordinary monthly fluctuations in your hormones.
What to eat and what not to eat
Some foods bring on the bloat, and can help avoid it. Here are just a few.
Fight bloat
Bananas: Full of much-needed potassium, bananas help relieve water retention.
Avocado: These guys have the good kind of fat, not the bad kind that leads to bloating.
Kimchi: A more surprising food on the list, but a great addition to any kitchen. Kimchi is fermented cabbage, and it’s popular in Korea and for good reason. It’s delicious and also full of probiotics that aid in digestion.
Cucumbers: They’re full of water and are natural diuretics. They help flush out excess water weight.
Others of note: asparagus, kale, papaya and probiotic yogurt.
Bloat magnets
Legumes: Yes, they have fiber, but the fiber in legumes like lentils, beans and soy is not natural for the human body like the fiber in fruits and vegetables is. Therefore, it’s harder for the body to absorb, which leads to bloating.
Dairy: The truth of the matter is, a lot of us are lactose-intolerant and don’t know it. Every time I eat a deliciously cheesy slice of pizza, I feel bloated and gassy. I think it’s time I came to terms with the sad truth: I have to quit dairy. Damn you, stomach. Damn you!
Apples: Yes, they’re good for you. If you’re about to be on camera, though, maybe you should avoid eating one as a snack. The sugar in apples can lead to bloating.
Others to avoid: pears, white bread and broccoli.
In addition to these, make sure to avoid salty (high sodium) foods and add to your diet foods with both soluble and insoluble fiber. The general rule of thumb should be if something is making you puff, don’t eat it — at least, not on a day you know you’re going to be on camera. Even if it’s pizza.
Bloating is no fun, no matter how much fun you have eating whatever foods lead to it. Take it from me — someone who frequently is asked if she’s pregnant when she’s rubbing her stomach in public.
—
Sonia Stevens is a writer-comedian who picks apart the absurdities women face daily. Email her at Sonia.Stevens@ynotcam.com.
